As we pass the summer solstice I get introspective and undoubtedly feel a change as I am sure we all do. West Highland life is essentially a bit bipolar and can make for a dark season of the soul unless we continue to seek light outside, or inwardly lift ourselves.
I can tell when it's changing for me as bad dreams occasionally come back with restless muggy nights. A few are mountain related. The randomness of climbing near misses such as a piss poor belay ripping out with 16 stone hanging at the other end and someone holding us both on by the hood of my jacket. Working in the wood and a one ton skyline carriage skiffs past my head as it falls from the sky, or my work mate killed next to me when 150ft of Sitka swings his way and not mine, these all seem random bad luck compared to actual choices in the mountains like the poor belay on offer as no choice, that still gives me the shivers as I visualize flying out over Aonach Dubh.
Climbing mountains has soul and becomes your church and tribe and risk acceptance part of that compensates for adventures heavy price. We all have a Pandora's box and occasionally the lid lifts a bit and this reflective stuff gets out before we jump back on top of it again. The claustrophobia and fear of burial in winter is a recurring one for me when I have a chesty cough or cold that makes breathing hard at night. Hay fever the recent trigger. Youtube and other places where you see avalanche recoveries cannot convey the pressure on your chest and sheer terror of not being able to shift air. No one is unchanged after being buried. Hayfever is an unusual trigger I guess.
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| Bracken ticks and midgies and soft evening light. Very Highland |
Seasonal melancholia can be mistaken for mental illness. Which of course it can be. Having downers is pretty normal living here. Its all down to Latitude and dare I say by dropping the "L" how we approach it. We have to hunker down and see it through.
We have just had an exceptional spell of dry sunny weather to top up morale and body batteries. Mood is high for a but. Surfing that positive wave with good friends and activities is the way through the troughs to come. Or as I am now considering, moving to where there is more sun. But the West when it delivers is so special and delivers big so it might be Appin not Spain!
If not West maybe East or central like Aberfeldy or Callander. Who knows but the positivity of the sun and good company sure helps with moods. I would certainly miss my friend many of whom are new to the area but have been steadfast during a difficult year.
Feeding the adventure rat gnawing away inside is also a good way to help. I started soloing about a bit recently and went a bit old school leaving the phone and not telling anyone to spice it up old school style. I have quickly realised that I don't have the mental resources for this anymore with too many people to live for and love and to miss if it all goes wrong. I'm no longer prepared to pay the heavier price for adventure and so I will stick to well protected trad and clipping. And hugging and beer.
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| Edinburgh midsummer from Gilmerton. Nice! |
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